2009 Jun 09
10 Truths About Boofs...Er Colorado Fans
You may know one. You may, out of the goodness of your own heart, love one. The Boof is a fan of the University of Colorado football team. A particular kind of fan, I’ve noticed, as Boofs grown out of their behavior around 60 years old, then live the rest of their lives in deep regret over the Boofworm that possessed them for most of their adult lives.
Through careful study of them over the years, and direct abuse taken from them after, let’s see, five games, I have learned some of their most important traits, or…
…Ten Truths About Boofs!
Enjoy, and keep notes for future travels. And by all means…share with a Husker fan you know…
And if you’re a CU fan and see this…please…don’t take it too seriously.
1. Boofs always travel in packs. They’re usually smallish and wiry, with shaggy hair, weak chins, squinty eyes and expressions that look like they just smelled a trash can full of fish. Often, they stumble around. How much is dependent on the time of day, the rate with which they’ve consumed Boof Beer, and whether they sufficiently cured their hangover from the night before with a plate of eggs and chili burritos (Boofs fashion themselves “Southwestern” for reasons I’ve yet to discern.)
2. They define liquid courage. If you’re anywhere in Colorado, and you hear sharp “Hey!” followed by an expletive, expect to see a miniature Boof behind you, at the ready, armed with false hope and a half-empty longneck of whatever microbrew the barmaid tricked them into drinking. Which brings me to…
3. They’re fascinated with urine. This explains why they drink almost exclusively beer, why they pour beer on themselves and others, why they urinate on themselves and others, and why they put urine (and beer) in water balloons. I am convinced their love affair with pee accounts for almost all of the violent incidents in Boof history.
4. They can’t drive. You may think Boofs drive fast in Nebraska, and indeed they do. Nebraska roads are open, uncongested, and sensible. But in their natural habitat, with bike lanes and ridiculous speed limits and arterial roads and surface roads and mountain roads and tree-lined roads and putt-putt cars, Boofs drive like they’re in Cairo.
5. The rich ones have phony California accents. To be fair, many very rich people do develop an odd, self-satisfied tone. But the Boofs who weekend in Aspen tend to have plastered smiles and inexplicable beach voices. Sentences are punctuated are with “wow” and “boy” and “I’ll tell you” and “this is some fragrant”…lines like that. When the Colorado team makes a good play, they cheer by smashing their palms together in exaggerated ways and yelling “terrific!” These are the male Boofs, of course. The female Boofs come from a mix called “Snow Bunny” sold exclusively at Colorado ski resorts. By contract, they divorce and retire to Phoenix at 42 generally just want to leave wherever they’re at to shop.
6. They care little for their own team’s history, much less anyone else’s history. I can name players off their national championship team better than they can.
7. They can’t tell time. That must be why they show up late. To every game.
8. They don’t eat. Well, they must, but I’ve just never seen them. Some of them smoke. Almost all of them drink. But you try to get something resembling a sandwich within three miles of Boulder, and good luck. No, not a piece of cheese, bean sprouts and avocado in between two halves of a garlic bagel. A sandwich. Almost impossible. Even the fast food restaurants in Boulder are packed with workers who take off their professor glasses behind the glasses, clear their throat and say “I don’t really think you want fries with that.”
9. They were deprived as children. How else to explain why they feel the need to scoop up the snow inside the stadium and throw it all over the place? Their mothers must have kept them inside.
10. Most of them hate Nebraska and have no idea why. At least in the last 10 years or so. Woody Paige is barely a fart in the wind out here anymore now that he fries bigger fish on ESPN, and the red-letter stuff is over, dead. Dan Hawkins is too busy fashioning his ten-win, tin foil hat to really put his heart and soul into it. In fact, Denver/Boulder/Fort Collins being an area of self-proclaimed cultural acuity, the Omaha rock bands – Bright Eyes, Cursive and others I’ll never hear of – have quite a bit of cred out here. And the last significant game between these two teams was won by Colorado in 2001. Yet they hold disdain for us Huskers for better reason than holding it. I think they resent us for not being as fascinated with bodily fluids.
If you’ve got some of your own, by all means. Hope you enjoyed.
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